Happy Retirement to the Library’s Own Lt. Joe Bookman

This is obviously satire. It’s not real . . . but we think it’s spectacular (and we’re not lion). Enjoy.

He is one tough monkey.

Lieutenant Joe Bookman, the library cop once profiled on a show about nothing, is closing the book on a stellar 50-year career at The New York Public Library, pounding the pavement collecting fines from funny, flashy joy-boys who didn’t bring back their borrowed books.

Bookman’s storied career ended this week, when The New York Public Library decided to eliminate all late fines moving forward, relegating his job to the history section.

He is taking it in stride, reiterating his commitment to the Library.

“Let me tell you something . . . Y'know that little stamp, the one that says ‘New York Public Library’? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot.”

Not much is known about Lt. Bookman. We don’t know anything about his private life. We don’t want to know anything about his private life. He MAY have had a man die in his arms, and he may have killed somebody, but it’s not really clear.

What we know is Bookman started his job at a rough time.

“Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job,” he said. “Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into The New York Public Library, fella.”

While he is entering retirement, he did say that if anyone steps out of line, he would be back and all over them “like a pitbull on a poodle.”

“I know what you're thinkin’,” he said. “What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library.”

We agree, Lt. Bookman. We agree. 

If you need him, he’ll be out there, somewhere, reading Tropic of Cancer and sipping Folgers Crystals.